The beginning is kind of weird. I was told that the grammar is very wrong lol. I was just throwing in things. It was like an explosion of inspiration. So I wrote down what I thought. Thanks for the critiques, they're very very helpful. I am going to revise it. I just want to know what everyone thinks. The chapter isn't close to being done. This is just what I have written so far. Enjoy!
This man was pale, his skin the color of moonlight. It shone as a silver dollar in the midnight sun. His eyes were of the clearest blue. But, if you ever looked closely, close enough to see beyond the physical being you would see his passion and wit. Then there was his smile. His lips curved perfectly into a smirk you could call it. The teeth pearly white and you could find nothing, no imperfections in his skin. Even though this man’s skin looked whiter than parchment, it gave off an angelic but devilish glow. You knew this man inside and out without even knowing his name. Or, maybe you thought you did. Yes, this is the true fact. I talk of him so much yet I do not even mention his name! This man happens to be me. My name is William.
There is so much I could tell you, but would I have time? Well, I guess I have plenty to spare, but what about you? I would not think just anyone would have a spare century or more would they? Ah, yes I have forgotten yet another fact and a very important one at that! What would you do if I told you that I walk the nights and sleep through the day; or if I had the gift of immortality? At the end you probably might assume. But isn’t that myth and lore? Alas, here you again are wrong, I am a vampire. The dark kiss I was given at a very young age, and my friend I tell you it was not the funnest night. No, I remember it clear as day; like it had just happened the night before.
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The night was young; the moon had glistened beautifully as it hung in the darkened sky. Its light reflected off the cobblestone path I walked upon. My destination was the pub that lay east of our home in what you would now call New York. I was in a fit of emotion and needed a drink that night you see. It had been the most dreadful morning of my life. My mother had died from the plague that raced through our village and many others. I stumbled with tear-filled eyes through that small street until I saw that one familiar door a few steps ahead. My mother had been ill for a while, to me it seemed like she would never get better. That morning I remember walking steadily into her bedroom, seeing my siblings and the maids huddled around a small wooden bed; a bundle in the middle. Everyone noticed that I had entered and stood aside as I went farther into the room. I saw my mother laying deathly still, wearing her white night gown. Her auburn hair had been neatly pinned at the nape of her neck, and she had her fragile hands placed upon her bosom. I quietly sat down and placed my hand upon hers. I remember looking into her beautiful blue eyes that last morning as she turned her head in my direction.
"I love you mum" I whispered to her; I didn't want to see her die. Her eyes were sunken, and her skin was pale. My mother's name was Anna. She looked at me with her loving eyes, and I saw a smile just barely make her lips; and then her eyes went blank. One of my younger sisters gasped and burst out in tears. My brothers comforted her with silent voices as I slid from where I sat. I couldn't bear it, my mother, Anna, was gone; the one who gave life to almost everyone in this room, just gone. Anger rushed into me, it had to be the plague! I feared for everyone including myself, I would go mad if someone else in my family became infected.
I shoved open the door to the pub and was welcomed with the smell of beer and cigarettes. I walked over to an empty table and perched myself in one of the chairs closest to me. I called for a beer and went on thinking, about what my mother had left behind. We buried her beneath the giant oak tree that had been her favorite place to rest. I remember watching as we laid her coffin into the young earth, and placed flowers on top; everyone whispering prayers. I stood there amongst the rest of them, not whispering one word; tears sweeping my cheeks.
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You need to reword this. "a smirk, if you call it that", or "curved perfectly into what may resemble a smirk". Or go nuts with something else.
You need to reword this too. Something like: "The teeth inside the smirk were pearly white; you could find nothing, no imperfections on his skin".
I don't think "funnest" is actually a word = most fun!
I think you should just shorten the intro before the break. It's unnecessarily long: you could just give us an intriguing glance into this William character, and then let the rest of the story slowly describe him more fully.
This sentence, and other sentences like this, needs a connector. Like "and" or a semi-colon. Example: "My mother had been ill for a while; to me, it seemed like she would never get better". Oh, and you need a comma there too.
In the last paragraph, you go from "thinking about what my mother left behind" to burying her, all in one paragraph. Try fleshing this out. First, what did she leave behind? Why does he love her so much? Then, make the rest of it it's own paragraph.
I am a sucker for vampire stories. I do like most of what you have here. But try to make it different from other vampire stories in some way, if you continue writing it. And you should continue writing it.
Well, alright. So, I read it and you know something? Not bad at all. I will expound. One, I like your writing. The description, the flowery feel of his physical profile? All very nice, but perhaps that's a personal bias I can attribute to my own writing. Anyway, I just love a cocky character. It's a nice stepaway from the "modest", "humble", "good-natured", and "faultless" character. Also? First person narrative, was a good touch for this short tid-bit. I'm not a nag, therefore I won't reiterate how it "moves too fast"- I think you knew that when you submitted it. However, I do find "funnest" a strange term. I think for someone as astute as you portray William to be, he wouldn't go around slinging our vernacular. But I'm sure you've been prodded 'bout that as well. The grief, seemed real, and the line about her being mother to most in the room? Somehow, to me, it seemed rather...unique. And a unique line makes your writing better, I presume. Therefore, I think if you REALLY put your mind to writing something more put-togetha than this? It's be a hit.
You go.
If I was you, I would cut the first bit entirely, the part before the break. I mean, it could work, but I think the work is better without it. Even though it's first person, I think it's better to start off where the story truly starts off, rather than jumping backwards right away.
You jump backwards again after the break and it makes it confusing. I know it's a first-person thing, but it's still easy to get lost. You might want to re-evaluate where the story really begins - if it's when William's mom dies, then start there. If it's not, then start elsewhere. If you don't, you're just dumping backstory.
Your pacing is *really* fast. You go through so many things in the space of a few paragraphs. It does, as Avens said above me, lack emotion, and I think this is why. Just try slowing down a little and delving deeper into the story. I know for myself, something like this would normally take quite a few pages. There's lots of potential for story here. Decide if this is really the beginning, though.
Comments in red.
You need to work on writing emotion into your text. As it is, I don't feel sorry for William. I don't feel as if any of this really happened.
You also end very abruptly. I know that you said it was incomplete, but you have to have a feel for endings; you simply can't cut a scene randomly, or you lose any impact it may hold. It's like cutting a sentence in half and dropping all the meaning.
Look over my suggestions and let me know if you use any of them. I'm not big into vampire stories (Didn't recognize it as one from the get-go) so I can't say how long I'd follow this, but I'll give it a second look if you revise.
Avens